Sunshine Through the Water

Originally Written August 13, 2018, before my new depression treatment kicked in and started working.

I haven’t exactly ever made it a secret that I live with clinical depression and ADD, but I don’t think I’ve mentioned how bad in particular it has been the last few months.

Don’t get me wrong; so many parts of this summer have been wonderful and I have been fully present to enjoy them- our wedding and honeymoon, our visit to Texas, acting in The Tempest. But any time that I have had a regular week of work this summer, I have seriously struggled with depression. If I don’t diligently walk outside in the sun most days of the week, it’s really bad. I walk through my life and see the wonderful things and people in it and understand that happiness and joy are the logical reactions to these things - but for the most part, during a bad depression relapse, I can’t fully feel these emotions.

It’s like I’m underwater looking up at the sun; the light filters in a bit, but it doesn’t fully come through and I can’t feel its warmth. And everything is a struggle; everything makes me tired and feel like I’m failing everyone and myself. Any problem seems insurmountable. I often hide away at home, burying myself in crafts and Netflix to distract myself from the fog. I want to see no one and just stay in bed all day.

When my meds are working and I’ve spent enough time walking outside and spent enough time around friends, it’s kinda like I’ve been underwater, but someone gave me a rainbow unicorn float, and now I can rest on the surface and stop struggling so much; I can bask in the sun, which I can fully appreciate and feel. My brain fires on all cylinders and I can generally solve problems with ease.

These times are not predictable. I can’t tell you why exactly this summer has been so rough for me; usually winter is harder. Stress and traveling probably has a lot to do with it, but I don’t know if that explains it all. I’ve made an appointment with my therapist to talk about maybe switching or increasing my meds, but she couldn’t see me for several weeks, so I’ve had to make do by taking supplements that /might/ help according to various studies on the internet.

I spent most of this last PAD convention in a depression fog. I hated that I was surrounded by people I loved doing things I loved and still felt like I was blocked off from actually experiencing happiness. I forced lots of smiles. I had bits and pieces of joy and friendship and love slip through, and 5 minutes or so of clear thinking every once in a while, but the fog didn’t totally lift until today (the day after it ended, naturally. Your timing sucks, brain). I don’t know why; I wish I did. (Thank you PAD friends, by the way, for being awesome and welcoming and loving even when I seemed mentally absent or a bit off over the last few days)

So what’s your point, Rachael? Why are you rambling about this deeply personal mental health struggle? Well, self, our society has a terrible stigma against mental illness and I consider it my responsibility as a human being to do what I can to alleviate the sufferings of others, so if talking about my struggle can help even just one other person feel not so alone, I want to do it. I like to think I’m a decent example of success while dealing with depression, as someone who actually did well in law school and has had great jobs and friends and has a pretty amazing new husband.

To sum all this up, I feel pretty fucked up and full of self loathing on a regular basis and it’s not something i can fully control right now, but I refuse to let that keep me from living my life the way I want to, so I’m fighting to feel the sun even if it’s hard and impossible sometimes. Even though I often feel miserable and lost, I wear the sparkles and dye my hair rainbow colors and obsess over my cats and take what other little actions I can to bring a little more light to my life and the life of others.

So if you also feel fucked up, please keep fighting and don’t let it dim your sparkle. (And talk to someone about it, even if it’s just a friend)