Throwback Thursday: Thank You

More emo/attempted to be empowering poetry from 19-year-old me. Written July 9, 2007.

I was nerdy-
Round glasses, long hair that went everywhere
Braces and chubby legs- my nose always in a book
Long dark thin t-shirts- couldn’t get me in pink
My face- a ruddy bumpy mess with early acne at the age of 10

You glanced askance at me on the bus-
Perfect hair, made-up fifth grade eyes-
Your trendy clothes, active party life
Made you –higher- than me- 
Made you –better- than me-
Or so you thought, as you condescended to smile at me once in a while
Like a dog on the street

Thank you 
for reminding me 
that I never belonged

Learned my social skills from books and public television
Got better with age-
Used to think the best way to like a guy was to insult them all the time
Punch them in the arm- make up teasing songs about them
While secretly I pined and longed for a hug or a kiss-
Thinking it’d make me happy somehow

You laughed at my antics- seeing right through them
And teased me about every guy I liked in junior high
Spread the rumors, thought it was a game
Joked with your friends about how silly I was
Not like rejection wasn’t hard enough without ridicule

Thank you 
for reminding me
that I never belonged

I was a fat seventh-grader
Trying to fit in without the necessary clothes
Or the money to buy it with
Stole my mom’s old hippie shirts and
All my sister’s stuff I could get away with-
Wanting so badly to be the girl with a certain style

You- wearing your new outfit, best earrings, trendy jeans-
told me I looked ridiculous
Said each new thing was absurd
I wrung my hands- pretended I didn’t hear
But hopeless- cried later-
Thinking that I’d
Never be beautiful
Never be anyone to notice
Never be possible to love

Thank you 
for reminding me 
that I never belonged

Now- full-grown college girl-
Hair cut short dyed red
I have the knowledge of 
How to dress, what to do
What to say, who to talk to

But most importantly though-
Now 
I know
That none of it really matters-

Yet even now 

When you stand in the pictures you take with all your friends
At the party you never even thought about inviting me to-

When you laugh at the memory of high school drama without
Ever trying to understand what actually happened-

When you decide not to stay in touch because of so and so
And this and that and
All the things we hoped to leave behind

When you figure I’m not worth getting to know 

It’s easy to revert
And go back to the little girl
Wanting so badly just to belong

But I try not to and bury that loneliness deep

Except to remember how it feels- 
as a reminder to try not to hurt another
and do what I can to heal wounds and 
help others move on-

And in the end, I’m stronger for it, I guess-
Stronger for the bruises and blows you dealt-

Strong enough
To let them go

And strong enough
To let your words fade-
By and by

Thank you 
for reminding me 
that I never belonged