Throwback Thursday: 5:29 a.m.

Written in October 2017.

I just found this while going back through some of my old notes. I like it. I need it sometimes. 


5:29 a.m.

I am lost in the moment between asleep and awake
where I find myself dreaming of time to sleep, time to eat
A place to lay my head and a day to do nothing in
without feeling guilty or depressed or like I’m getting behind.

It’s getting to the point where I 
can’t see who I can trust anymore
All these people trying to maneuver
Me- trying to get inside my head

I, a confirmed idealist,
cannot even comprehend the
malice I see around me sometimes-
How can it even exist?

I still, despite everything, 
firmly believe that 
in every person 
there is a spark of good

It’s just that in the digging for the good 
I too often seem to be overcome by the dark
and swamped over and tramped down 
until I am breathless, on the ground.

And I am so frightened by these Masks-
These Masks around me worn by people
weaseling around me and trying to get me
to betray my ideas, my ideals,
while they are smiling and talking and laughing-
before they turn to malice, a slithering green.

And I do not like it,
one bit.

Yet I am grown and I am strong and
I can see through the charade, most times.

I know I trust too easily but I
try not to trust you too easily
And I wish I could trust that easily
without being so afraid of being misled.

And I am tired and I am lost
And I am longing just to go home
to get away from these lies, this hate
these broken bits of my heart on the ground.

Yet, I refuse to become stone-
I’d rather stay loving and trusting and believing in the world
and be hurt thousands of times over
than be one of those who is so hard to everything
that they can’t truly see anything
and thus, die blind to life’s true joy.

So deceive me, mislead me,
try to break me, if you can-
Know that I see you, your mask
for what you are

Your presence, that knowledge-
will never beat me down
Or change who I am

I will go on loving and living
and being blissfully a part of this dancing sphere

And in the part of morning
where sleep hangs in my eyes and
Dreams slip in and out of reality- 
I will dream of a time to rest, to sleep,
and a lovely lovely world.