Throwback Thursday: Snippets from Now - February 10, 2012

I dressed up today in a
new blue dress that swings out around me
and makes me feel lovely
red tights and a little bit of heel
and a gold chain round my waist.

I wear makeup and lipstick almost every day-
but really
por che? por che?
I want to scream.

Who is it all for?

No one, nothing, no reason.
except the momentary pleasure I get by
looking in the mirror
until I realize how inexorably alone
I am.

——–

I often think of good songs to die to.
I’ll hear something really melancholy on the radio
and think
“Now this would fit.”

Or some terribly happy song from
a commercial for laundry detergent
and realize that it would be something ironic
to play in the background of a suicide.

I could make an entire mix tape
although really, who uses tapes any more?
of songs I have considered leaving the world to.

But it’s nothing, nothing much-
just a thought –
I’m okay-
I just like putting a soundtrack to my life sometimes

And it’s not like anything else momentous
will be happening any time soon.

They don’t know it-
and they wouldn’t understand it if I told them
But my toddling little nieces are the names I put down in boxes
of where things would go if ever something bad
happened to me – where money would flow from my
coffin into their coffers.
I have no one else to leave it to after all –
it’s not like my pet rats would ever use it.

I wonder if those names will ever change or if that
will always be the only beneficiary relationship I have.