Throwback Thursday: Snippets from Now - January 18, 2012

I put my brand new lipstick on
it’s free of cruelty, they say and it smells like vanilla
only to leave marks of it on my coffee cup
two fake sugars and a cream – like every day
no lover’s lips to turn fuschia
I have been very unkissed lately but I don’t think I mind, for once
no handkerchief to leave a romantic stain on
I lost my grandmother’s handkerchief back in September
no one to notice or see
I spend all day in a closed-up box – I could work naked for hours and probably no one would notice
but as I wipe the marks from the coffee cup
it was a birthday present, you know – my older black coffee cup never showed stains
this is for myself and no one else
and there’s something lovely about that

—

And so I wait.
My impetus to do something is already gone
And there is nothing to do now but
to see what comes next to change my life.

But I want it now.
I want it all now.
I want the books
and the knowledge pouring into my head
I want the language to speak the things I long to
understand.

And it’s a decision I long to make
but cannot yet
I have no Cinderella shoe
and so I chew on my fingers absently
the way I always do when I am
nervous
and leave dashes of dark pink across my pale skin
as if I have already been bleeding a long long time.